I Lost My Modisty Years Ago

In November I went  for my annual “girly” appointment.  Because nothing is ever a simple appointment for me, I scored myself 2 ultrasounds and a mammogram. 

The mammogram and one ultrasound showed more lumps and bumps than I can count on 3 hands. Fortunately, (if there is a fortunate thing about lumpy boobs) is that we know they are “just” fibroids and unless they bother me they will just continue to monitor them with a follow-up mammo and ultrasound every 6 months. 

The other more invasive, if you know what I mean, ultrasound confirmed what we knew from last year. I have a super-duper enlarged uterus.  Last year it was  just big, this year its HUGE or so says the numbers that they kept mumbling off to me.  So before it gets any bigger, out it must come. The only problem is that it is HUGE and they would like for it to shrink before they attempt to remove it.

How do they shrink a uterus one might ask? Well, they trick your body into early menopause *who doesn’t want to be me right now?*, with all the lovely side effects such as mood swings, night sweats, hot flashes, weight gain etc. as menopause usually causes  all them girly parts to shrink in most people. Not only do I get to feel like shit for 2 months, we have to pay out the ass for this drug because it is considered a fertility drug and my insurance doesn’t cover fertility drugs.  There is also always the chance that it won’t shrink it enough and the only option then would be to pretty much have a “c-section”  to remove “the tumor” as we have taken to calling the ol’ uterus.

Yesterday was my first dose of Lupron. It came to me in the form of a big shot right in the arse. I spent my morning before my appointment pretty much in tears. I pretty much  knew long ago that we were done “making” babies. The one we have is wonderful and I wouldn’t trade her for 12 more, but obviously our track record after her isn’t so great. (Which makes the thought of taking “fertility” medicine such a kick in the gut)  But this just makes it all so final.  The guilt that comes with that is a bit overwhelming to me. 

*I started this post a week and a half ago.  I am feeling some of the side effects of the drug, but not nearly as bad as some people I have googled read about.  I should know early next week when the actually surgery will be. We will not know if the Lupron worked until the doctor “gets in there” as she put it.

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Slipping Away

I feel like everything is slipping away from me. So many decisions to make and no clue what any of the answers should or will be.

I am an OCD, creature of habit, control freak.  Its not a good mix.